A day in the life of LIFE

If you are driving down the streets of India, you might well be surprised that the rule book for safe driving given to you at the Indian Consulate at the time of obtaining your visa seems to be outdated. [Yes, Now-a-days, medicines are not the only commodities with expiry dates].

For first timers visiting India, and planning to rent out mopeds/bikes/three wheeler taxis [better known as auto rickshaws], to drive around on your own, here are the 20 postulates on how not to end up in hospital on your maiden flight, err ride ..

1] When you see red, stop. When you see green, go. When you see yellow, go faster!

2] If you are on a two wheeler, having large size indicators helps. Be careful not to wave your hand to show signals during peak hour, else you wont be able to wave again.

3] When at the zebra crossing, dont expect zebras to show you the way. We have enough and more people in India that zebras are the last thing we need now.

4] The smaller vehicle is always right. In case you are on a two wheeler, and you break a signal hence enabling a scorpio/ikon to hit you, you need not worry. The bigger the bullier! so it's not your fault anymore.

5] We get Meteor showers in India instead of Rain. If you can see the sky above you and feel you are in an elephant's burrow, chances are that you have fallen into a pit that has just been dug in the middle of the road by the DoT for laying Optical Fibres. That expains our flair for Adventure sports but a dismal track record at the Olympics is something we are working on to improve.

6] When there are 10 seconds for the signal to turn green, start moving or get moved over.

7] Corollary to postulate 4: The proportion of compensation, irrespective of whose fault it is, is directly proportional to the size and make of the car/van/bus, unless of course you have hit guy on a bicycle. The rest depends on your bargaining power.

8] While overspeeding remember not to stop at any cost when you see white and brown and a large ponch. No! they have not changed the color of the traffic lights. For all you know he might be a policeman with a speed gun waiting to fine you.

9] Having a mud covered/soiled number plate helps in preventing onlookers from noting the same.

10] Most Indian four wheelers are left hand drives. Yes, the women on the left seats talk the men into the way they ought to be driving. We are an I.T. nation so most Indians learn driving through e-learning courses.

11] The width of the road always fills up to accomodate a water tanker, a cycle rickshaw, a couple of cows and if you are lucky, you can walk in the space that remains.

12] If eventually you dont see riders on the road, don't panic. They are soon becoming extinct as the sale of helmets is reaching an all time low.

13] If you have all documents in order, including the requisite certificates, be 100% sure, the cop won't stop you on the way. But if you have even one of those missing,it's going to be your "lucky" day.

14] Always park in front of "No Parking" boards so that it is hidden from view of the cops. This helps in preventing you being fined. And for those of you who did not understand,[specially the Chinese], fined is not the past tense of being fine.

15] If you want to have your right of way, you need to give up your right to live!

16] Be comfortable and coversant with local slangs and abuses. You dont know when you would require to sing praises of your fellow commuter on the road. Low Price Editions of "Learn to give gaalis in 30 days" are available at all leading book stores at vaious airports and railway stations. Pakistanis can learn them in 1 day since the variation in language is quite minimal.

17] Please remember that it is legal in India to have 4 people travelling on a 2 seater mobike/scooter. After all, it is Paapa,Mummy and Chunnu Munnu di Gaddi. The fact that the Japanese stole the concept of Optimization from us is evident from this age old practice.

18] It is also common to over take from the left,all that matters is who is left at the end of it all.

19] It is illegal in India to drink and drive but all pubs have parking lots which are always full. And did I forget to mention that it is perfectly legal to drink and walk in the middle of the road, so if you hit a drunkard, it's but your own fault.

20] Lastly, even if after reading all this, you still dare to drive on our roads, please call 9990652236 well in advance. That's the number of the coffin maker, they need advance booking since they are always busy, but don't worry, your driving skills will be remembered for ever....with the engraving on the tombstone of course.

Welcome to India! Hope you have a pleasant stay and we anticipate you would be able to see your motherland again