A day in the life of LIFE

Having survived for almost 3 long years in the IT industry, (yes, 3 years in IT is equivalent to 30 in BHEL), I must say that the Indian IT industry has transformed itself with as much variety as Paresh Rawal's roles in Bollywood.

I am planning to write a comprehensive blog post on the "IT Survival Tool Kit" commemorating my third anniversay in the industry which is due shortly.

You may be pleased to know that Aaj Tak has already bought rights to screen the entire celebration "live" from my 2x2 cubicle that more resembles a packed sardine tin can.

There are some aspects that do not change irrespective of the organisation that you are in including white collared bonded labor, highly exoctic canteen food that is often cribbed about, overhyped "mission critical" coders who are held in high regard next to Spiderman in the context of saving the day, and but of course the insatiable paychecks that are always just enough to cater to 30 days of living.

Of late, in fact, just yesterday, I learnt the Golden rule for IT survival - English Grammar. Yes, kudos to Wren and Martin for all those tongue twisting grammar tenses and whimsical grammar rules that end up confusing even the Queen of England at times..

Ah! Coming back to the Golden rule. Just as "Har snack namkeen nahin hota", this rule with the twist is the best IT can get.

POSTULATE :

Never use the first person prepositions "I", "We", "Me", "us", "Myself" etc.... in any conversation that has to deal with the obituary of a project that you are part of.


PM: "Team, the client is furious. The project is running 6 months behind schedule. Who is responsible?"
TM 1: " They gave us the code for testing a month after is was due"
TM 2: " They gave us the specs. that were revised as frequently as a baby's diapers"
TM 3: " They told us that the functionality should remain as they desired"
TL : " They were not only told about the project plan by them, but they ended up changing it mid way too"
Quality: " They prepared the plan based on the estimate they provided"
Onsite Co-ordinator: " They messed it up"
PM,(facing the customer): "They were not given the test cases that suited their reqirement. But they are doing their best to do their tasks right,they will work 16 hrs a day and they will work on weekends, free of cost, though they are not a party to this task that was completed by them"
Customer: Who are "they"?
Everyone: SILENCE.
Customer: Let "them" perform a root cause analysis before "they" continue with "their" project. And let "them" be paid for fixing "their" folly that resulted in "their" mess in "this" project

Welcome to the Land of Mouse movers, Just do IT!! Hey Ganpat! Java la....

To realize how important,the details could be
That these details test the substance in me
I need decisions that need to stand the test of time
Also assist me in drawing the crucial lifeline

I was always told that decisions are never easy to take
Specially when it impacts an individual being's state
The future the wise men say remains a mystery,
But it also hinges on the book of history.

I am what I am, I achieve as much as I perceive,
But the heart is not content with the gifts I receive,
Natural for a being to want more than he can digest
Few are men who stand apart and dare to resist

As i stare at the crossroad ahead of me
With thoughts flowing in perennially
Each bringing with it a new found insight
With the balance swaying either side

And as I gear up to make my decision right,
One thing I know is to not regret in hindsight,
I move with the hope of success and that things would be fine
That the inconsequence of consequence lies in the eventuality of time!!

Not very often would you find me waking up at 5:45 a.m. unless of course my neighbor plays Himesh Reshmiya’s constipated songs in full volume as against the melody of M.S. Subbulaxmi's Suprabhatam. A beautiful morning it was. The 10th of May –The penultimate day marking the 150 years of the First war of Indian Independence-the uprising against the Raj. And what could be more ironic than me making my way through the canopied wide roads of New Delhi, enroute to the US Embassy located at Shantipath, Chanakyapuri.

I reached there well in time before the “scheduled” appointment, only to find people who had been camping there through the entire night, I presume. They had settled themselves on the sprawling lawns a few hundred meters away from the Embassy compound, even as sparrows and mynahs pecked away beside them in their search for the ubiquitous morning breakfast.

It was quite a scene, and studying the myriad people who had descended upon the “Mecca” of visa dispensing nations brought me immense joy.

“Kya yeh queue Business Visa key liye hai?” I enquired with a young lad (yes, much younger than me, so I could definitely call him young!), who was sporting a Fidel Castro tee shirt and blue denims, to which he replied “ Thore is ohnly ohne loine dyude! And Oi don’t thoink it moikes a deffence” in a typical US accent. It was almost as if the “desi dyude” had been sent to a Rapidex American English Speaking course for a complete make over. The only thing they did probably forget to tell him was how well the Yankees liked Fidel Castro!!

After a second word of confirmation from the security guard who acted with the audacity that even the President of the USA did not deserve, I walked to join the drove of already queued up people, the scene resembling the punishment I often received in school for not having completed Math homework from Mrs. Rajamma.

The whole of India had been represented within the 45 minute time window that I stood outside waiting for my application to be screened at the entry point. I tucked, re-tucked my shirt , adjusted the belt that kept my trousers from falling, and combed my hair atleast a zillion times, till my head resembled well-ploughed land ready to be embedded with seeds to yield a bumper crop.

Just then, 5 brethren from Punjab broke the queue and joined those of us who were already lined up. Welcome to India, I said to myself but no one had the temerity to confront them, for each of them in their uniform blue headgear and white attire stood 7 feet tall even as the khanjars dangled around their chest. I was curious to know how they would clear the security check, though.

An old Bengali couple was turned away owing to the fact that they had arrived 5 hours before their scheduled appointment.

As I glanced up to catch a glimpse of the stars and stripes U.S. national flag fluttering inside the Embassy compound, an auto rickshaw apparently carrying three Tibetan passengers on a sight seeing trip signaled to them about the important and most sought after landmark, just as he sped away lest he be towed for violating parking rules.

Finally having reached the security check, the Guard carried out his routine tasks. In between, he shouted out to one of the earlier applicants and said “ Bhai saab aapka passport idhar hi rehgaya!”. As the absent minded Chironji Lal (of Khosla ka Ghosla fame) returned to collect the same, the guard quipped ”Sir, wahan aisa nahin chalega, ab toh aap amreeka jaane wale hai!”, in typical Asif Iqbal (the visa agent) ishtyle, which aroused laughter all around.

The dedicated queue for B1 visas also had representation from all companies including Iyer and Iyengar Software Limited, Chennai. The lady in front of me and the guy behind me were actually a married couple who worked for the same IT company. The Embassy staffers sent out a couple of guys to advise people on the order of arranging the documents. The lady in front submitted hers. The guy asked, “your full name?” – The lady replied “ Padmavati Guntupally”. And what about that before marriage? “Padmavati Baganpally” she replied. “Please mention the same in Box 10 ", he said.The guy behind me was “ Adikesavulu Ramanatha Krishna Srinivas Guntupally”. I am sure he would have run out of space while filling his full name.

The queue progressed at a snail’s pace even as an entire family from Bhatinda comprising of Chunnu,Munnu,Sonu and their Mummy Paapa, made their way though the pathway. Quite a few newly wed ladies (recognizable from the stack of red bangles that adorned their arms) waited, presumably to procure a dependant visa to join their hubbies in the US.

Eventually, I did manage to enter the embassy premises which was as heavily guarded as the Red Fort on August 15th. One person was stopped by the security as he was carrying hair spray and deodorant and was let off only after he sprayed the same on his hand and inhaled it. It was as comic as a drunken driver being asked to walk the yellow line, by the cops.

The queue that resembled the one in the sanctum of the Tirupathi Balaji temple,had one lady who reverently prayed to the heavens and closed her eyes, just before she entered the holy shrine of “Visa disbursement”.

After handing over my finger prints akin to the prisoner identification procedure, I was lined up for the interview window. Not all Americans are cheesy. Atleast not this one. He infact had a cheerful demeanor and quite a sense of humor. Just as he finished with a guy in front of me, he remarked, “Have a good day, Mr. De”. After a few routine questions he positively acknowledged my visa approval.

I walked out even as I eyed the cookies, doughnuts, and Pringles that were stacked up for refreshments in the totally Americanised setting quite polarized from the ground reality of New Delhi.

The interesting thing about the routine was that it was for the first time that I saw over 99% of the people being new to the entire process unlike those while visiting a place of worship or paying the electricity bill. And to top it all, every person was as clueless as the person next to him/her.

And all of those who had their visas stamped, exited with the song that best described the mood of the moment – “O Hansini, kahan ud chali, mere armaanoke pankh ladake…..”

- Truly, A day in the life of India!!

After Richard Gere got grounded by the desi moral police for "explicit obscenity" which made him believe Delhi was a suburb of Kabul, and Mandira got noticed more for her unpatriotic saree than her cricket commentary skills (which generally equals Rakhi Sawant's IQ), I have been the latest victim of fundamentalist fascist individuals for what they perceive of my blog posts. This has prompted me to utilize the services of Ramu, the friendly neighborhood canine, as my Chief Security Officer. He has a bark so ferocious to keep the muscle trio of Sunny Deol, Sallu Bhai and John Abraham away.

My Mom always believed I did not have the guts to protest even when the class bully in elementary school poached my lollipop in broad daylight. Neither have I had it in me the wish to threaten a mind as demented as Arjun Singh's. I was almost about to be nominated for the Nobel prize for harmlessness just when they felt that Radha, the cow was a better deserving candidate.

So, desh waasiyon, I look up to the skies and wonder what would make someone accuse a seedha saadha guy of trying to be a "wanna be", through my blogs. May be like one of those Re-incarnation movies I might have stolen mangoes from my neighbor's orchard in my previous birth to demonstrate my superiority over the Ten Headed Ravana, but I would not do anything more bizarre or outrageous than that, in the process of trying to get into the limelight.

Coming to think of it, I do though believe that every chalta phirta biological specimen is entitled to an opinion of his/her own, and has a right to express what he/she thinks of issues ranging from the Abhi-Ash wedding to the Dumping of plastic waste in the drain next to my office. But to categorically type cast and brand me the way that I've explained before would be condemned even by the Government of India as "Baahari-haath-ki-saadish".

But yes, please go ahead and do be critical of my writing if you really feel it is better to watch Arindam Choudhry's - Sunny Deol starrer "Rok-Sako-toh-Roklo" than reading the Hinglish of these posts.

And yes, a statement of clarification - " Just as my name (Asmyaham) signifies, I just want to be and am not a wannabe".

Cheers! I have a couple of more blog posts ready to be uploaded over the weekend...

For the uninitiated (including yours truly), dancing as a skill might be as difficult to invoke as for a non swimmer drowning in the shallow side of the pool. But this time around, I made this brave attempt to take to the dance floor as part of a Punjabi wedding to hone my skills in the art of bodily movements. Documented from these experiences are the best practices of learning the art.

Note: The author is not responsible for any physical harm that could be caused to the reader on account of the tips outlined below. Adults are advised not to try them on their own and to carry out the steps under strict supervision from teenagers :)

Tip 1: “Sunlo, Sunlo…..”

Listen to you favourite FM station for just one hour a day.(preferably 8 p.m. to 9 p.m.) as you wade through the peak hour traffic. Knowing the latest chart busters helps coz it’s very unlikely that the DJ of 2007 would be playing a Senti Amar Prem number. Not to worry in case you missed a couple of songs owing to cell phone distractions. Just flip to the next station which would more often than not feature the same song at a different slot in ordering.

Tip 2: “Light is Right”

Wear light clothes. It can be tough (specially for beer drinkers) if you have a blazer, a tie and formal shoes while dancing, lest you want to miss out on a cool and hip dance step that needs you to do a 270 degree twist.

Tip 3: “Theme action co-relation”

Try and match the theme of the song with actions using your hands/feet. For example, if the theme is “barsaat” then signal the falling rain with your hands in the most emotive manner. In case the song to follow talks about “sardi”, motion inwards with your jacket as if you are in the process of wearing one (This one was an original from yours truly that was quite acknowledged by fellow hip shakers. Ok, yes! I did take a bow for that…)

Tip 4: “The Evergreen steps”

There are some dance steps that are as theme agnostic yet nice as the mishti doi in every Bengali home.

For example, any fast paced number could do with the step of balle balle that you see in every bhangra song. For those who watch bhangra as frequently as Virender Sehwag’s century, try this – “ The Let’s go party tonight” step by Priety and Abhi where everyone jumps in the air and actions “Out ! Out” like any cricket umpire would. Do it once with your left hand and once more with your right.

Even after this, In case your dance gyan is as low as my IQ, try the time tested clichéd one – “ try fixing the light bulb with one hand and patting your pet dog with the other”. Make sure there is no stray doggie around or you’d never be able to pat one again

Tip 5: The “Junglee” survival kit

Warning: This only works for tough numbers and may not work if the song is quite easy to perform. Wave your hands vigorously as if you are shaking off chewing gum stuck to your thumb and match it with your hair/head turning with equal speed till you see the world upside down. By then you ought to realize it’s time to stop.

Tip 6: Ragging in college

Not that I am a proponent of the activity (so don’t plan to sue me either), but after having been through some sessions, this was where I “burnt” a make shift dance floor with my outrageous steps which matched the Indian batsmen trying to evade the bouncers from the Bangladeshi Bowlers. The rest they say is history and I did not get selected for the college dance team. I had enough reasons to believe that the selection committee was biased against me


Tip 7 : Powered by Cltr C and Driven by Cltr V

Non-computer users please excuse. This is the “mantra” on which the Indian IT industry survives. If you can’t create a step, plagiarize one. Look at the most happening gal/guy in the circle and give a nod confirming that it’s a good step and what else? Start churning out the same

Tip 8 : E-learning courses

Enrol yourself into the “Doing the jig in 8 days” course which I am going to begin soon. E-learning has been the innovation of this millennium and the three top courses on my agenda would include swimming, driving and now of course, dancing version 1.0 for all novices who wish to learn the same through the internet

Tip 9: Traffic Lines

Try crossing traffic median during peak hour on an arterial road. One step back and one step front.. As you target survival, you will also learn your steps along the way.

Tip 10: The “Daru” effect.

Please be advised that I have not tried this myself and do not claim this to be a potent tool.

I am “told” (re-emphasizing this one) that two swigs of the most sought after beverage after water, can considerably improve your skills by freeing your locomotory body parts and give you a dose of the prabhu deva flexibility.

But there have been cases where hic! “dancers” have been hic!“grounded” for hic!“flying” in the air for hic! too long, so you would not want to hic!“land” in a similar situation.


A final take from my side, at the end of all this - Pick three random tips and rehearse them with a dose of Iodex or Moov in tune with the age old saying, “Prevention is better than cure”.

Till then, “Everybody on the Dance floor!!!!!!!!!”